Protect and Survive

Or, "Oh Shit We're All Dead". Quite possibly the scariest public information films ever made, not least because the advice in them would have been nigh on useless if the worst really had come to the worst.

These PIFs were made in the 1980s and advised the public on what to do in the run up to, and aftermath of, a nuclear attack on the UK. How to build a fallout shelter, protect yourself from radiation, lay out a body, what to do if you are caught outside during the attack, and more. As it happened, they were never actually broadcast to the masses, but they would have been shown continually on all television channels if a national State of Emergency was declared and the government believed the bomb was about to be dropped. Seven earlier PIFs called "Advice to Householders", with a similar message, were produced during the 1960s but also never broadcast. Either way, the "Protect and Survive" films were truly chilling, and they're right up there with Threads and the Only Fools and Horses episode where Del and Rodney build a nuclear bunker as a terrifying portrait of the '80s nuclear threat.

The PIFs used a very distinctive style of simple animation and still motion photography, with sound and visual effects to represent warning signals (wavy red lines on the screen) and fallout dust (white snow). A family home was always represented by a cardboard cut - through of a doll's house. Each film would begin with an animated scene of a nuclear mushroom cloud and the Protect and Survive logo of a cartoon family standing inside a circle, along with a summary of the points made in the rest of the series. There were 20 "Protect and Survive" PIFs made in total, all of them with voiceover by the late Patrick Allen and a very distinctive, creepy theme tune at the end. In order, they were:

1. Nuclear Explosions Explained
2. The Warnings
3. What to Do When the Warning Sounds
4. Stay At Home
5. Choosing a Fallout Room
6. Refuges
7. Materials to Use for Your Fallout Room and Refuge
8. Make Your Fallout Room and Refuge
9. What to Put in Your Fallout Room
10. Action After Warnings
11. Water and Food
12. Sanitation - Preparatory Steps
13. Fire Precautions
14. The Importance of Your Radio
15. Life Under Fallout Conditions
16. What to Do After an Attack
17. Sanitation Care
18. Water Consumption
19. Food Consumption
20. Casualties

They were produced by Richard Taylor Cartoons, also responsible for Charley Says (http://takingthepif.blogspot.com/2007/03/charley-says.html).

You can find more information about Protect and Survive, along with reproductions of the leaflets that accompanied the campaign, here: http://www.cybertrn.demon.co.uk/atomic/index.htm. "Action After Warnings" and "Casualties" are available to view on the first Charley Says DVD, and you can also buy a DVD of all the films online: go to Amazon or Play.com and have a look. If you'd rather watch them online, YouTube user pandemian has a large collection of clips and entire films of the series: http://www.youtube.com/profile_videos?user=Pandemian

Scary!!! And as someone pointed out in a comment to the video, it wouldn't have done much good anyway. The government's all safely holed up underground and we're told we can leave our fallout shelter after fourteen days, whereas in reality five hundred years is more like it. Although with the world situation as it currently is, I really don't want to think about that.

Coming up soon, possibly next week after I've been to FI: More reviews of some real classics, including Tufty and the Green Cross Code Man.

Geronimo

According to the email from Film Images, I'm "welcome to spend the day with them", which is, by my calculation, seven hours!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone for "Apaches" and "Fireworks Safety - Parents"? Got to get my absent - minded personal tutor to actually sign the letter for me first, then I can make an appointment, preferably for next week (I hope.)

Meanwhile, Applemask has come up trumps again with this gem of a PIF from 1989: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2G9yyD4qrGg. I first saw it at one of the BFI's screenings in September/October to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the COI, though I can't remember which one. This Health Education Authority campaign introduced us to octogenarian Fred Brewster, who assures the viewers that kids today don't know they're born - because back in his day, condoms were reusable. And he called his willy wallpaper "Geronimo". Riiiiiiiiiight! Then he goes on to tell us that he had to wash, dry and powder it with chalk after each shag, and that wearing it was "like having a bath with your socks on." Er, thanks, Mr B. That was a bit more than we wanted to know. I'll never find out whether my own grandad (who will be 79 this year) had a "Geronimo", because I would rather cover myself in honey and leap naked into the bear pit at Whipsnade Zoo than ask about it. But, in the words of Applemask, this IS a groovy PIF - "if you can get past the fact that it's an old man talking about his condom." I've got both "Don't Die of Ignorance" AIDS films, with voiceover by John Hurt, on my wish list for next week.

And just in case you weren't aware of the many adverse consequences of failing to wear a condom, this PIF from Belgium will leave you in no doubt about one of them: http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/animation/1146/

Rabies Kills

Ah, rabies. There are some really fascinating PIFs on this subject out there and if I can get hold of them, they will appear in the future. But this one http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/films/1979to2006/filmpage_advice.htm is a classic and another of those that appears on the first Charley Says. It's from 1983 and advises you to get urgent help if you are "bitten or scratched or even licked" by an animal while abroad, because of the risk of rabies. And you should "wash the wound immediately". Bit difficult to do if you've only been licked, but it is true that "Rabies Kills". Actually, we haven't had any anti - rabies campaigns for at least ten years. Isn't it even more of a risk these days, what with all the recent cases of people being convicted of animal smuggling?

On the smuggling theme, here's a 2006 "filler" about bringing illegal food products back to the UK: http://www.tmf.ecwhost.com/extra/media/PIF-PIFS-DEFRA-TROUBLESOMEFOOD-2006.rm. I'm particularly impressed at the fighting spirit of those Chinese sausages.

The Born Smoker

Ever wondered what we'd look like if our bodies evolved to become perfect for cigarette smoking? Personally, I always thought we'd come with ashtrays attached to our arms and a built - in fire extinguisher, but no. Someone has already gone into the future and seen the first "natural born smoker", and this is what he looks like: http://www.nationalarchives.gov.uk/films/1979to2006/filmpage_smoker.htm

A few quotes:

"self - cleaning lungs" - My grandmother died of lung cancer last year, and I'm sure she would have appreciated these, but it's a bit late for that now. Never mind, eh?

"a highly developed index and middle finger" - And probably a highly developed thumb as well from a generation addicted to txting and video games. So, we'll have an enormous thumb and first two fingers and a tiny, shrivelled ring finger and little finger. Groovy.

"smaller ears (because they don't listen)" - Of course not. If they did, would we still need anti - smoking PIFs?

"and of course an in-built resistance to heart disease, lung cancer and thrombosis" - That'll be a relief to all those smokers that the Government wants to levy huge taxes on because of the strain they put onto the NHS.

Now for the dog in the ointment: The natural born smoker hasn't been born! What a rip - off!!! So put that fag out right now.

I vaguely remember a sequel about the "baby smoker", with creepy lullaby music in the background, but not what the visuals were. If Film Images will help me with research for this site, I may be able to find the film, so until then here's their catalogue entry for both PIFs:

DATABASE NAME: COI FOOTAGE FILE TITLE: BORN SMOKER /ANTISMOKING BABY LOGGED: 04/09/1998 FILM NUMBER: COI/6BB MASTER: COI/6BB YEAR: 1980s SUBJECT: HEALTH FORMAT: BETA SP DURATION: 00.02.30 COLOUR: COLOUR AUDIO: SOUND AGE: ARCHIVE RIGHTS: WORLD OK BUT THIRD PARTY RIGHTS ARE REQUIRED MASTER STORE: DRUMM

advertisement anti smoking
01:00:00:00-01:01:07:00
silhouette of first 'natural born smoker' in 'Blade Runner' type set, ghoulish face of man smoking
01:01:34:00-01:02:20:00
same scenario, silhouette of man smoking over baby's rocking crib

And if you can make sense of that, "you're a better man than I am, Gunga Din". No date or VO listed there but the National Archives site places the original film in 1985.